Apparently you make a good broom.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
