you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
