His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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