She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
