mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
