I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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