We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
