Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
