I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
