Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
