Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
