2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
We got so high we made milksteak
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
