You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
