New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
