Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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