I want to have your abortion
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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