all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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