the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
