just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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