My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
