I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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