I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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