so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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