perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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