highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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