So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
