Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
