i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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