I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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