i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize