you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
