At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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