our cab driver is having phone sex.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
