I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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