i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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