Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
