No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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