John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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