Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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