i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
