I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
being pregnant is like rehab
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
