We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
