I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
FUCK WHALES
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