I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
