She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
