i can't believe i had my finger in that
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
