The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
