I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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