I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
