Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
