You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
