So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
