I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
