I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
