his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
