She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
